01/05/2012 Time to Smile, Kathleen Wallace

There is no way I can write this column without sounding like I am bragging.
You will have to trust me on this. I am not.
By now you can tell my life is an open book. I write pretty much about everything — the good, the bad and the ugly.
We are human and we make mistakes. We atone and if we are lucky enough we learn to laugh at the stupid things we do. When I make a fool of myself, you read about it.
Therefore, when someone else makes a fool of themselves I am going to let you know.
This column is not about what some people might say are my “assets.”
No, this column is about the location of the male brain.
Ask any women where it is located and you will get an array of answers, none of which involve his cranium. I can say that this particular person was not thinking straight or at least he wasn’t thinking with his brain.
Well, I turned 50 and AARP never found me. I know it is just a number. I have to keep reminding myself that it is my attitude that counts, not my age.
In order to last the next 50 years, I have been doing my best to get healthy. Walking is the only exercise that seems to work for me. I have three different routes I take depending on my mood. One route consists of all hills. The other two vary in length.
Taking different routes breaks up the monotony. I do a very fast power walk.
With the right mix of music, I get my heart pumping and a nice workout.
When you walk on a daily basis, some times people will honk or wave.
I have heard people yell things from “get off the road” to “keep up the good work.” I even get a few cat calls; OK, now I am bragging.
Normally, if I am “in the zone” I do a quick wave and concentrate on walking. The grass and dirt are as uneven as I am — one leg is shorter than the other. Since Dunnellon doesn’t believe in sidewalks, I am often forced to walk on the road.
When I leave my house, I walk two blocks and reach U.S. 41.
Some days I cross it and take the hilly route.
So, there I was one day jogging in place waiting for the traffic to slow down so I could cross the road. Now if you are familiar with a woman’s anatomy, certain parts of her bounce when jogging. I may have been cursed with shaking — Essential Tremor — but some say I was blessed with an endowment if you catch my drift.
I wear two sports bras to keep the bouncing to a minimum.
As I am jogging a guy in a green truck drives by. He looks at me.
OK, no big deal.
As he passes me his whole neck, head and shoulder come out of his truck window. He looked like a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I swear his eyes popped out of his eye sockets. While he is looking and leaning to the left, his truck is careening to the right.
I don’t know if it was the look of horror on my face or the fact that his car was no longer on the pavement, but he finally came to his senses. He was off the road and up the embankment. He did a quick correction and was on his way.
I was still laughing three blocks later. Men are so obvious.
Thank goodness there weren’t any trees in the area.
Can you imagine him having to explain to his wife or insurance agent why he hit a tree?
Next time use your brain and keep your eyes on the road.